Day 243 – (Not) The end.

I have been postponing to write this “last”, “conclusive” blog entry for months now. Today is Sunday, we’re heading towards Christmas, it’s raining, and I have no more excuses.

A long time has passed since my external journey has ended with my return from Mexico. Nevertheless, a lot has happened since then. My plan until the end of September had been to spent a month or so at home, then pack my bag again and return to Donosti, my “chosen home”, where my life was waiting for me. I had been trying to remotely find a flat to live in, had a few interviews with shared flats over Skype and wrote lots of emails. Everything was clear, but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t really want to go back, I felt comfortable at home but I also had the feeling of an open bill with Donosti, of having to give it another chance, of having to go through some stuff to make my peace. And this way, time passed and I postponed my return. I caught myself looking for flats and jobs not only in Donosti but also in Berlin, Cologne, Hamburg, Barcelona and Saarbrücken. Everything while working for my usual clients at Donosti from home and still convinced to go back. I started making pros-and-cons-lists with 3 options: Back to Donosti, Stay at home, Do something entirely new.

In the first week of October, I finally made up my mind and a radical change of plans. I decided that one does not have to force oneself to do something that does not feel comfortable just as a matter of principle. That I wasn’t ready.
As my stuff in Donosti had to be moved before November, I had to act quick. I still visited some friends in Saxony and a friend in Cologne of a few days, but on the 13th of October I got into my mum’s car and drove all day, the next day as well, and on the 14th I arrived at Donosti, where a good friend had offered me his beautiful bedroom with a view over the bay and harbor. I stayed one week, met my friends, my clients, told everyone that I was moving away, cried a lot, ran from one meeting to another, took long walks along the beach, worked, picked up papers, gave my motorbike a new TÜV and sold it with some other stuff that I wound’t need anymore or that was too big to take away. By Friday afternoon, I had done everything I had to and was desperately hoping for this week to end.

That night, after saying goodbye to my friends, I walked home alone taking the long way, along “Paseo Nuevo”, one of my favorite spots in the city. Watching out for the incoming waves as I have learned in my time here, admiring the strength and endless darkness of the sea.
All week long I had felt like something strong and ugly was torn around my heart, not letting it beat, around my throat not letting me eat, around my stomach, causing me pain, around my lungs, not letting me breathe. It was this feeling that made me go away although I love that place so much. Because I miss it even if I’m there.
I hope to be able and willing to come back one day. Because this is a part of me, and I have become part of it.

Life is a complex and complicated thing and I don’t understand any of it most of the time. This way, it leads to complex and complicated situations that require decisions without understanding the situation and without knowing what decision might be the best. And you will never know, because you will never be able to take a different path and see what turnout it has. No need to mention that this is hard to deal with for control-freaks like me.

Life lead me to Donosti 5 years ago, lead me away 8 month ago, with the plan to come back and be strong and happy again. The plan didn’t work out and was changed two months ago, which leads me back to Germany now (where I never thought to live again). I would like to make a conclusion about the lesson to be learned here, but I don’t know what it is. Maybe it is that everything in life are steps towards something you don’t know. That every step has to be enjoyed in case it’s the last one and that not every step has to be in the direction of the final goal (if you have one). That the D-tours and trials make us grow rich.

Maybe this journey hasn’t cured me, maybe this is not everything I needed. But I did learn lots of stuff and I am definitely richer now. If I wouldn’t have done this, I would have not shipped over the Komani lake between walls of mountains that were mirrored in the water. I would have not swam in a 24 meter deep cave, I would have not met Abishek or Diana or Diego, or Mitch and Ben and Tom. I would have not gotten a sister forever instead of just having a good friend. I would have not gotten lost on top of the Montenegrin mountains. I would have not seen the snakes and the crocodiles and the iguanas and the flamingos and the papaya fish. I would have never swam with dolphins. I wouldn’t have lived a thunderstorm in the jungle, would have not learned to appreciate anti-mosquito spray, proper food, a proper bed, privacy and a good shower. I wouldn’t have been touched by recent history in Bosnia, wouldn’t have been touched by nature in Albania, wouldn’t have felt the power of friendship. I wouldn’t have gotten reminded of who I am and why I do what I do. I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to come home and see and appreciate my wonderful house in a wonderful garden with a wonderful family in it.

Sure this external journey hasn’t “solved” everything it was supposed to, and was only one step in a process. But it was a good start and worth every second. What follows will be a journey too, will hurt, will make me laugh, will make me happy and sad and will help me stand up, make me fall again and stand up again. Make me weak again and eventually stronger. And it will lead somewhere.

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After loading everything in the car on Saturday, spending the last night with my friend Diana and driving another two days, I was back at my parents’ house. Even now, my stuff is still standing in the little hut in the garden, I only took out a few clothes, my saxophone and my computer, the rest will be waiting to be moved to my next destination. But for now I have decided to stay here for a while.

So I’m back in this country now. A country that I have defended as “not so cold” during years but now I find it actually pretty cold. A country where blankets are too short and people too tall. Where bureaucracy is designed to make your life as hard as possible and where everyone is important and serious and doing something seriously important all the time. A country where you need an insurance for every possible scenario because people are so important and serious that they come up with all sorts of scenarios and their possible costs. It’s the country of serious, hardworking and important people, good education and good money in which nevertheless many things work surprisingly bad. It’s the country of work and complaining about work and of earning respect only through work.
And of unhappiness as a result of all the formerly mentioned things.

But it’s also the country of my family and friends, of defined seasons, of trees and grass. Of real heaters, insulated houses and chimneyfires. Of cake and cookies and Glühwein and high quality in everything. The place where I go find pinetree-branches before Christmas and turn them into cool decoration. A place where it’s warm inside in winter, where laundry dries completely and smells nice, where fuses don’t blow when I switch on two electronic devices at the same time.
Most importantly, it’s the place of many people I love and that’s why I’m here.

Since I’ve come back I have been living half with my parents, half with my grandparents. I bought a car, dealt with a lot of bureaucracy, helped my dad at work and took care of my own work. In my first week, I took part in a “Portfolio Slam”, where young designers could present their work in front of a jury and won it. This was my first step into German “networking” (how I hate this word…), gave me a well-paid follow-up-job and also a contract at one of the best graphic design agencies in Saarland (the boss was in the jury and liked me), and – thanks to the contract – finally(!) a health insurance.
I have also dived into music again, playing lots of saxophone at my “old” group (I never stopped going there, just less frequently) and also started playing theater. The known activity as well as the new one are creative and fun and take place in Spanish which makes me feel comfortable.

Setting myself an unofficial “timelimit” of a year here, having un-unpacked moving boxes in the hut and living in two houses still makes this feel like a vacation or an intermediate stage but I do not dislike it. In the end, life is probably just many intermediate stages followed by each other.

I think, the day I wake up in the morning and don’t miss my old life anymore, will be the day I can go back or start something new as a free woman. Until then, I am taking care of myself and enjoying every second with my parents, grandparents, friends, my saxophone and all the stuff that I missed out on while I wasn’t here.

P.S.: It is probable that I will still update you every once in a while through this blog, so if you want to stay informed, turn on the E-mail notifications again if you turned them off.

Some impressions:

At home stuff:

Work with my dad:

Visit to Saxony:

Donosti and the moving: