Day 68 – 33. Santiago – Saarland

Our 33rd and last day of this journey started rainy and quiet. We could sleep in but only Johanna really slept peacefully until we had to leave our beds. I stood up at 9 and joined Mitch and Tom for breakfast. Despite the “goodbye-quality” of the day, I felt happy and we had lots of fun together. We had breakfast for over an hour in the living room and even Johanna came down eventually. As it was raining a lot outside, we just stayed there playing Contact on the sofas, trying to absorbe and enjoy every minute we had left to spend with Tom, Mitch and Ben.

At 1, we made our way through the rain towards the busstation and the guys accompanied us. As we set off in our bus to the airport, everyone took off a sock and waved goodbye with it. I hate goodbyes. Which is why I promised everyone to see them again.

Sadness about the departure and a mix of an unbearable amount of weird and unorganized emotions hit me only on our way to the plane. There is definitely a lot to think about and to process from these last 33 days of walking, laughing, pain, happiness, well known friendship and new friendships. No matter what kind of reasons or expectations each one of us had to do this, I think it has changed a lot in any of us and everyone has learned and grown quite a lot. Maybe some small amout of this growth is due to the physical implications of walking almost 700 km, but most of it is caused by the crossing of life paths of very different but very amazing human beings.

One thing has become absolutely clear to me again: The happier I am, the more I can be myself and act as myself around others, the more amazing, loving, interesting and happy people I meet and the more happy reactions I get back. The effect of myself around others is so entirely different depending on how I feel. Being around the same people in the exact same situation in two different states of mind can be like being on a party or being on a funeral. In one situation, people will start hugging me and laughing with me, in the other people will cry and avoid me. It makes all the difference of the world.

Happiness comes from happiness. I have been in a hole without any of it for a while now and just came back into a bubble full of it, returning somehow to myself and being reassured that this “I” still exists, and has not vanished or changed, like I was starting to think lately.

I hope that, although this is probably the hardest thing to do, I will be able to take this out of the bubble even if the bubble doesn’t exist anymore. That I can start being myself again, even without having to live in a bubble. Only time can tell if I will succeed in this.

Anyhow, I am incredibly thankful for this reassuring and amazing time I just had, for all the incredible things that have happened and the amazing people I have met; but first of all for all the happiness it has bought to me (and the Anna it has brought back through this happiness). Because Anna is actually happy and funny and laughing all the time if you just let her.

After our farewell from the guys and a somewhat turbulent flight with turbulent conversations, the farewell from Johanna was especially hard. Of course we will see each other again on Thuesday probably, but nevertheless it is hard to say goodbye to someone you have shared every second for the last month with. Sleeping without Johanna in the bed next to mine will definitely be weird tonight. My relationship with her is another one of these amazing things that have defined the last 33 days. It has become stronger and more intense, more trustful and loving, although we already were very close in the beginning. I am infinitely thankful to have someone like her in my life.

Regardless of the fact that I would have loved to walk on and I didn’t really want to come back now, there are some things whose value I had underestimated before and that I actually missed:

– This is a magical device that turns dirty clothes into clean clothes! Amazing!

– Feet in cotton socks and Birkenstock Latschen!!

– A set of completely clean, nice-smelling cotton cloths

– A clean, crispy and non-sticky terry towel!

– A towel on the floor where you can step on after showering without any flip-flops!!

– A bed with an actual real pillow and clean sheets that allow you not to sleep in a stupid sausage-like sleeping bag.

– And of course, my lovely parents in a lovely home, who placed food in front of me without having to do anything for it.

There are also some things that I haven’t missed at all. Jeans for example. What is it with Jeans?? Why do we wear that? I tried to put one on and changed immediately into something more comfortable.

I also still haven’t switched on my computer and will avoid it as long as possible.

After coming home and having dinner, I baked a cake with my mom because in only 4 hours, we will me heading to the family reunion in northern Germany for which I have come home now.

A long and intense day after an intense and not long enough month ended late and with only a few hours of sleep ahead. I still don’t know if I will be able to sleep in such a clean and quiet and solitary space tonight. Will probably wake up in shock tomorrow morning, searching for my backpack, boots and friends.

Goodnight world.